When memories are jumbled…

I don’t know if it is the same for everyone else, but my memories and feelings get jumbled up.

I would be having a flashback whether it is visual or emotional, and i would be trying to challenge the memory. Telling my self, that it was never my fault, i did not deserve all the bad things, i was a child. Then that would lead me to another flashback. This cycle goes on for many hours, usually it happens at night, when everything is quite.

My brain would jump from one memory that happened when i was 15, then it would lead me to one that happened when i was 13. Maybe that is because i denied and never dealt with the things that happened to me. Somedays i do feel like i am being driven mad by my own brain. I felt like i didn’t have anyone to trust and talk to when i was younger, so i kept everything bottled up, and as an adult I’m learning now that is the worst thing i can do to my self.

Every time this happens, i try and calm my self and approach the memories in a rational way, i don’t try and deny the emotions and feelings of the young girl who went through all them things, she has been denied and ignored for long enough. I try and speak to my self, and tell my self what i should have been told when i was a child.

So…when did you lose your virginity?

When you have had trust broken a people who were meant to help , protect and support you, trusting any one again is a big thing. learning to trust was a very hard thing for me, then i would get to a stage where i would let someone in and then over time that trust would be broken and the cycle of negative thoughts would come back with that vengeance. That voice that tells me ‘you should have known better’, ‘you are so stupid’ ‘your only good for one thing’. That doesn’t just apply to intimate relationships, but to friendships too.

Everyday became a battle and it still is, i could be having a laugh and joke with a group of people and the drinks would be flowing and then the chat would turn to relationships, and the question, when did you lose your virginity would be asked of everyone. Even though these people where friends i just couldn’t find the strength to trust them with my past. I would have to lie, because i didn’t lose my virginity , it was forcefully taken when i was 15 years old, by a man who was meant to be a family friend. The words that he used to throw at me to put me down still haunt me. i’m working through them, challenging each thought and telling my self i am not these things he told me i was for so many years.

So when the chat does turn to that type of talk, i don’t lie anymore, but i don’t tell the truth either, what i do, i remember my boyfriend when i was 17. The man that made me feel loved, and showed me what love and sex was, because to me thats when i really lost my virginity.

 

I may not be a great writer but il give it a go….

Okay…so here goes. 

i forgot how hard it can be to write, not just write but work through all the thoughts that are racing through my brain right now and to type the words that i struggle to say out loud or to another person.

I am living with PTSD.

I have been living with it for so long, for many years i denied that there was anything wrong with me, i didn’t want to remember or admit what i have been through, i wanted to be a normal girl.  The memories are painful and stir up so many emotions. For me, i have to confront these memories and deal with the emotions and everything else that comes along with them, or they are going to destroy me.

I was depressed for so many years, it was the type of depression that would come for a while, i would get better and then it would come back with a vengeance each time. i still denied that anything was wrong. Until a few years ago. i could not break the cycle of depression by my self, and i was scared of myself. ( if that even makes sense ).

So i got help for my depression and anxiety, but for some reason i still denied having ptsd. As apart of my treatment i agreed to take anti depressants, i had refused them for a few years. I was also referred for a course of CBT.  The anti depressants helped, thankfully, i know they don’t work for everyone. The course of CBT is what sent me on this journey of trying to heal from my past.

I realised that i am strong, i am not weak, but trying to undo all the negative things i thought about myself for so many years is not easy. The crap that i experienced in my life has twisted me in so many different ways. It has affected me in so many different ways and it has changed me, and how i interact with the world and the other people in it.

I sometimes feel like I’m a child again learning about my self and the world i am in, and somedays it is scary but sometimes its exciting. ( Mostly scary right now). I want to get to know my self again, and give my self, the time, understanding and love i deserve to feel from me.

When i was younger i used to write, it was a way for me to release everything that was going on in my head, but i stopped writing there were a few reasons for this. So i thought well writing helped me when i was younger, why not try and write again.